*names changed to protect the innocent.
Sam* stepped away from the conversation, face flushed, heart beating a little faster than ideal. Jaw clenched. Teeth gritted. This wasn’t going the way it was supposed to. An innocuous inquiry about the past to prepare for the future had gone sideways. Again. Ugh.
Alex did the same, but for different reasons. Yet Another Example had just been surfaced of how Alex just wasn’t good enough. One more instance of Alex’s failures paraded out for everyone to see. Ostensibly in the spirit of “continuous improvement” but it felt more like “continuous criticism.” Ugh.
Tripp watched Sam and Alex, on the surface the dialog sounded calm and collected, but their bodies were registering something else. The vocal intonations were getting sharper. The body language was getting more defensive and tense. What the heck? Then, as suddenly as the conversation had started, it ended with Sam and Alex going two different directions, no clear resolution or call to action. What was Tripp supposed to do with this?
Have you ever been in any of these roles?
I have some inside scoop on that story above, and I can tell you that Sam was practicing continuous improvement, Alex was looking for actionable tasks, and Tripp was hoping for a casual conversation over a meal. None of the three got exactly what they were looking for, and instead of positive outcomes in the first go-round, they had to take extra time to rebuild solid footing before moving forward.
The whole thing could have gone differently if each of them had approached the conversation with clearer expectations, including not assuming that the other person thought about things the same way they did. Each person secretly thought the other people were just disguised versions of themselves.
Recently, I’ve been in multiple conversations – maybe it’s the summer heat – where tensions have risen because the people involved each thought the other person would react or respond to information the same way they would.
Truth is, other humans are not merely disguised versions of ourselves.
And on balance, I think we know this. We just sometimes forget to put it into practice.
So here are some quick tips to make it more applicable.
When starting a conversation with another human…try the acronym WHY
W- Where are they?
Where are they physically right now? What are they doing? If they’re at work, they may have work stuff on their mind. If they are in the middle of a task, they may not want to be interrupted. If they are just coming in from outside, they may be hot, sweaty, hungry, or they may have things on their mind that have nothing to do with what’s going on in your head, your life, or your mind. Wherever they are, they are not actually in your shoes, so they may not look at the world from the exact same lens that you do.
At this particular moment, they may be hotter, colder, thirstier, hungrier, more tired, more worn out, more impatient, more distracted, more unfocused than you are on whatever is on your mind.
What to do about it? Give them a verbal cue, a nonverbal step, and a bit of time to get caught up to where you are. Or, if that’s not possible, hold the conversation for another time.
H – How do they usually think?
When they think about (whatever your conversation is about), how do they usually like to think about that? Do they like advance notice? Do they like a story? Do they prefer a visual? Do they like a direct question or a specific actionable task? Do they prefer something in writing? Do they prefer to be asked questions to bring their thought process along?
It is possible, even highly likely, that they do not think about things exactly the same way you do. You might be a ponderer, and they might be an action-taker. You may be a think-of-all-the-things-that-could-go-wrong person, and they may be a dyed-in-the-wool optimist. They may prefer to think of things chronologically, or perhaps by cause and effect, or maybe they think of things by person.
What to do about it? Stretch from your thinking style to theirs. What do you need to accommodate them. It’s a bit like inviting them to drive your car. If they are 5’4” then the seat that’s adjusted to your 6’2” frame isn’t going to be safe for driving. They might have to adjust the seat to fit their body. So, adjust the seat, or at least give them a moment or verbal cues to do that.
Y – You OK?
Conversations and dialogues are meant to be things we do together, but sometimes we wind up so caught up in our own heads that we forget to check in on the other person. So, as we enter in a conversation, the letter “Y” is a great reminder to focus on “you” – the “you” that I’m talking to. How are You doing? If I think in advance, I can probably recall things I already know about how they show that they are comfortable or uncomfortable with a conversation. Do they get quiet when they feel stressed? Do they get loud when they feel defensive? Make a commitment to check in with them to see how they are doing in the conversation.
It’s so easy to say to ourselves, “well, I wouldn’t get offended by that” or “that wouldn’t upset me at all” or “I didn’t mean to offend you by saying that” – but when we focus on the Y, we remember that the person we’re talking to isn’t a disguised form of us. They’re their own person, right there. (ha! I used all three there’s in one sentence!) It’s not about what would offend or bother or annoy me, it’s about what would bother or annoy or offend you.
What to do about it? Maybe start with a disclaimer, like “I’m coming at this from ABC perspective, and if I start to go too far, I’m looking to you to give me some feedback” or “I was hoping we could talk about ABC so that XYZ, but if you’re not comfortable, please help me put some reasonable boundaries up so that this can be productive,” or maybe even “I’d like some time for us to talk about ABC, how would you like that conversation to go?”
There you have it – WHY – a simple acronym to remind you that the person you’re talking to isn’t a disguised form of you. Where are they? How do they usually think of things? and You OK? Three little questions that help you keep your eye on the other person in the conversation, because they’re their own person…they’re not just you in disguise.
Want to learn more? Check out all the classes we offer on Making Authentic Human Connections!