Marcus and Amber have worked together for years. They’ve learned to put up with each others’ quirks and communication nuances, and have found ways to collaborate effectively. Outside of work, they occasionally hang out with a larger group, and from watching them, most would consider them friends.
But there’s tension brewing.
There’s a leadership role opening up on the team, and both Marcus and Amber have applied for it. No one else on the team has applied, and the organization is known for promoting from within, so it’s likely that one will get the position, and it's almost certain that they won’t both get the position.
The first place that the tension rears its ugly head is in their communications.
Amber has started to notice how frustrating she finds it when Marcus answers in half-phrases or
“yep” or “nope” without any additional context. “Ugh, getting him to share information feels like pulling teeth!” she gripes to a teammate.
Marcus has begun to find himself rolling his eyes at Amber’s long and drawn out explanations. “Doesn’t she know I don’t care about the back story? A simple ‘yes’ or ‘no’ would be fine!” he complains to another teammate.
What Marcus and Amber don’t realize is that something as minor, as simple, as innocuous as a difference in communication styles has the potential to erode the entire team’s health. For both of them, whether they earn that leadership role or not, their leadership and influence within the team is at risk.
So what can they do? What should they do?
Let’s start with the simplest one to address. If something about another colleague bothers you, squelch that first desire to go complain to someone else. There are a couple of solid reasons for this.
First, those who spend their conversations complaining rarely attract positive people around them, so by complaining, you’re actually drawing more complainers around, giving you endlessly more things to complain about.
And second, while Amber is complaining to Brynn about Marcus, Brynn can’t help but wonder what Amber says behind Brynn’s back, and to whom. The level of trust between Brynn and Amber erodes.
What to do instead?
Spend a few minutes in genuine reflection.
If something is genuinely not working, then there may be a more effective way to co-create a great working environment than simply “putting up with it.” By “putting up with” something, we simply bottle feelings up that may emerge as resentment sometime down the road. The minor irritant could become a major sore without even consciously being aware of it. By putting up with a nuisance, we’re missing out on a far better approach. That’s not to say I should just speak up and tell someone else what I think of them or their actions or their behavior.
What to do instead?
Better to spend a few more minutes in thoughtful reflection
Both Marcus and Amber are approaching the whole conversation with a me-first mindset. It’s as if they’re thinking “that other person should adjust themselves to meet my needs.” After several decades here in the US of “looking out for number one”, it’s no wonder that we spend more time thinking of ourselves than others, but that’s not what leadership is about, and that’s not a great way to influence others.
In Leaders Eat Last, Simon Sinek talks about the courage it takes to put others first and to make sure that others have what they need before focusing on ourselves. Courage in a conversation is being willing to tune in to the extra backstory so that Amber feels heard, or being willing to be brief so that Marcus can get back to what he would rather be doing. A me-first approach will demand or assert that the other person should adjust to meet my needs.
What to do instead?
Spend some time in compassionate reflection.
These and other communications techniques can be found in our Supervisory Series as well as Lead the Way. Find the resources that serve you best at yourclearnextstep.com.