Flaws Are Things Other People Have

Shine Some Light On How You Perceive Flaws

Let's problem solve some tough moments when we become frustrated by other people's behavior.

What are some of your personal pet peeves? Think of something that happened this week that just drove you bonkers...maybe it was at home, maybe someone didn't refill the paper in the copier at work, maybe you were interrupted at a meeting and you're holding a grudge. Here's the funny thing about flaws, irritants, or pet peeves...we rarely see our own.

Sometimes it's hard to take a step back and look at our own flaws, so we'll start with something a little easier...have you ever thought about why something irks you? Carl Jung, one of our favorite psychologists, once noted that "Everything that irritates us about others can lead us to an understanding of ourselves." So how can we apply that in the spirit of insight and growth?

Here are a few common themes that we've found when it comes to things other people do that irritate us.

1. Poor Communication

This is almost always 100% unintentional, but we usually forget to see the bigger picture. Poor communication often has to do with setting an expectation and not sharing it. People can't read your mind (and sometimes, you don't want them to). We put the other person behind the 8-ball by holding them to a secret standard or expectation. For example--assuming someone at home will unload the dishwasher. You get home from a long day at work...and the dishwasher is still full. Well, you can't really hold anyone accountable because no one knew about it.

So why does poor communication bug us so much?

We typically get so frustrated by poor communication because it's an indicator that we aren't feeling heard, or we feel excluded. No one likes to be the last to know of a change or something new--or when they're expected to do something and they didn't get it done because no one clued them in.

2. Lack of Consideration/Respect

This is also almost always unintentional...we all tend to get so wrapped up in our own day-to-day "stuff" that we forget to think about how our actions affect our relationships with those around us--from showing up late without a call or text, to interrupting someone in a meeting or not being consulted on a decision. One thing that can help us get past the little things is to take a step back and remind ourselves that the other person probably isn't doing it on purpose. Maybe they didn't consult you on XYZ because they didn't want to bug you, and they were actually trying to be considerate--don't assume someone else's motives or presume you know what's going on in their head.

At the end of the day, we want to feel respected and included, and when we don't feel like that need is being met, the natural inclination might be to get a little passive-aggressive. Instead, take a step back and make up a good story--why else might that person have behaved that way? Or, if you can navigate the conversation without being confrontational, ask them to help you understand why they behaved the way they did.

3. Lack of Appreciation

No one likes to feel taken advantage of, at work or at home. Maybe you volunteered for something and no one said "Thank you," or maybe you spent a lot of time on a deliverable and it wasn't recognized significantly. Whatever the case, we don't like our time and energy to go unnoticed or taken for granted. This is where modeling the desired behavior can be helpful--think about how you can actively appreciate others. Initiating warm fuzzies for someone else encourages them to return the favor. So don't be stingy with a heartfelt thank you--it goes a long way toward making someone's day, and chances are it will come back around your way.

Final Food for Thought

You usually observe the results or behavior that you expect...if you expect someone to behave a certain way (either positive or negative), chances are you'll treat them in a way that will precipitate the expected behavior. When you're good to people, you'll bring out the best in them--and in yourself.