I’ve recently become more and more aware of a quickness of response. Sometimes I see it in myself, sometimes in others. Below are fictionalized examples designed to make the point:
Carsten glanced down at the text on the screen and instantly lost his cool. The next few minutes of his conversation with Emily were elevated, and Emily had no idea what had caused the tension.
Brooklyn saw Markus raise an eyebrow and felt the almost overwhelming desire to give him a piece of her mind. Brooklyn’s voice raised, her blood pressure went up, and Markus’ tone sharpened in defense of what he was hearing from Brooklyn.
Srinivas started, “Hey, I was thinking,” and Darius rolled his eyes, huffed, and said, “Here we go again!” Within a few moments, Srinivas had shut down, refusing to continue a conversation, and Darius was feeling bad for being a jerk.
Ever been in one of these moments?
But they’re totally human.
So what do we do?
In all three scenarios, the quick response prevented good dialogue.
In all three scenarios, the rapid reflex ruined relationships.
In all three scenarios. a pause could have protected people and prevented pain.
Practice the pause....
Carsten glanced down at the text on the screen, and instead of losing his cool, he paused. He counted to 10. He thought about whether the text was relevant to the conversation he was having with Emily. He decided that the text could wait until later. He took a deep breath in, exhaled for an extra beat; made a quick shake of his head, flipped his phone over, and turned to Emily with a smile. Emily, noting the extra breath, leaned in and asked if there was anything she could do to help. There wasn’t, but at least she understood that his stress wasn’t related to her, and the two of them had a calm conversation, knowing the other was on their side.
Brooklyn saw Markus raise an eyebrow and felt an almost overwhelming desire to give him a piece of her mind. Recognizing this as a trigger, she paused, got curious, and asked him about what was going on in his mind. Turns out, he had just thought of something entirely unrelated to this conversation. While she thought the eyebrow raise was in judgment of something she was doing, his mind was entirely elsewhere. Talking through the situation gave them a chance to find ways to get Markus to be more present in conversations. Together they learned that when he’s not present for their conversations, important details get missed, but when she rambles, he’s likely to be less present. By getting curious, they learned about something that can help them communicate better together.
Srinivas started, “I was thinking”, and Darius rolled his eyes. Srinivas and Darius both paused and started laughing as they realized how often they repeat this same pattern. They decided to find a better time for talking through new ideas, refining existing ideas, and a good time for just working the plan without revisions.
Practice the pause....
Step 1: Pause. Take a deep breath.
Breathe in, breathe out.
Count to 10.
Step 2: Replace whatever feeling you have with curiosity.
What is going on?
Why am I feeling this way?
What else might be going on?
What are possible paths forward?
What outcomes might be beneficial for both of us?
What’s one positive intent I can assume they have in this situation?
Step 3: Invite the other person to come along.
Now that curiosity has replaced whatever initial more negative emotion you might have been feeling, invite the other person into the conversation.
Step 4: Add in gratitude
Be grateful they joined you in this conversation!
When our cup is full of gratitude, it’s hard for anything else to get in the way!
Want to learn more about working with others? Check out all the classes and content we offer in Making Authentic Human Connections!