Four Ways to Speak Up Well
For years we have been encouraging people to speak up. If you have an idea or a contribution, speak up. ‘If you see something, say something’ is the campaign in the airports. If you see an injustice, speak up. If you want to make a name for yourself, speak up. If you want to be heard or recognized, speak up. If you have a concern or an issue or a problem that needs to be solved, speak up. If you’re willing to help, speak up.
We’ve been encouraging this for years. The problem is, we haven’t always been equipping people with the right way to speak up. Or perhaps alternatively, we haven’t prepared them for the possible downfalls of speaking up with the wrong tone, with the wrong message, or in the wrong situation, any of which can cause more pain than the silence might have produced.
Today, I’m offering four scenarios I have either witnessed first-hand or heard of by first-hand account in the last few weeks. We’ll explore these by looking at what happened, the possible downfalls, and maybe a better approach.
Situation 1
You perceive that the action or inaction of an individual is having an adverse impact on the organization to which they belong.
What Happened: Sean observed and heard criticism from others about an individual’s behavior and chose to bring it up in a public forum in which the audience was asked for input. In a room of about fifty or more people, Sean criticized the actions of an individual and pointed out why they were adversely impacting the organization.
Possible Downfalls: The risk to taking advantage of a public forum situation is multifold.
First, and foremost, the individual being criticized does not have a safe space to defend themselves. You run the risk of having that person feeling attacked, which is problematic because feeling attacked does not bring out our best selves. It may cause defensiveness; it may cause a desire to refute the claims, to protect oneself; or it may be hurtful to that person which could then cause a number of downstream effects.- Additionally, raising the issue in a public setting allows a large group of people to create their opinions of the situation based on what may not have been observable facts. What happens in a situation like that is you get a he said/she said, an us versus them, or we camp and a y’all camp that causes some folks to come to the defense of the individual being attacked, and others to align on the side of the criticizer, creating unnecessary rifts within the group.
- Another downfall is that when an individual is seen publicly criticizing others, those who come into contact with that individual begin to be more concerned that that individual might choose to attack them publicly as well. This concern can cause people to withdraw; it can cause people to not take risks on behalf of the organization; and it can cause them to become disconnected or disengaged.
A Better Way: If you have concerns about an individual’s behavior, and it is based on observations that you have or data that you are in direct possession of, then seek out that individual and address them in a private setting. Praise should be administered publicly, but correction should be given privately. If the issue is raised and behavior does not change, you can bring an advocate or a leader in the organization with you and go as a group of two or three to address the individual and encourage change. The person whose behavior you want to change is more likely to be receptive of the information if you present it in a less confrontational manor.
Situation 2
Something went wrong, and in hindsight you see how you would have done it differently, and you want to share that knowledge so that it doesn’t happen again.
What Happened: Linda, who was a former team lead, was in conversation with the team about something that had recently happened. Linda shared her hindsight on the event, although she had not been involved in it directly, and her hindsight came across as distinctly critical of the new team lead who was not present at the time of her sharing her remarks.
Possible Downfalls: In a situation like this, a couple of things can go wrong.
While Linda’s desire may in fact have been to make things better and to help the team prepare for next time, by inserting herself between the team and the new team lead, she is both, potentially creating an unnecessary schism between the team and the new team lead, as well as disrespecting the new team lead who did not have an opportunity to speak in their own defense.- It’s also possible that Linda will be perceived as one of those people who talks about others behind their backs. This can erode trust.
A Better Way: In this situation, connecting with the team, allowing them to identify how they felt about the situation, praising what went well, and staying absolutely silent on any statements that could be perceived as critical of the new team lead would be the better route. If asked to share insights, or if asked her opinion, Linda might have responded in a one-on-one conversation with the new team lead, but certainly not without an invitation or at least a warm reception. If invited to do so, and with the new team lead present, she might share constructive feedback, but certainly not without the new team lead’s invitation and participation.
Situation 3
You’re new to the team, and you want them to know that you’ve got skills and that you can add value.
What Happened: During Natalie’s first couple of weeks with the new team, in team meetings, in luncheon conversations, and in project discussions, she took the opportunity to speak up a lot, providing information about how she had handled similar things in the past, chiming in with a personal story about every situation, an affirmation of what someone else just added, or a suggestion of how to do things differently, and multiple references back to how things were done where Natalie used to work.
Possible Downfalls:
- One risk here is that by responding to every comment, there is a chance that Natalie talks too much. Sometimes when we use too many words, people stop listening at all.
- Additionally, if too many of the stories Natalie was sharing were about Natalie and her past, it is possible that the team would quickly weary of stories from Natalie about Natalie.
A Better Way: The proverb goes, “God gave us two ears and one mouth, so we should listen twice as much as we speak.” In this situation, Natalie would have been better served to listen twice as much as she spoke, and when she spoke or made inquiries, a response like, “How have you seen that play out before?” or, “What did you like most about that?” or, “How is that different from what we do today” or, “What can we learn from that that we can apply today?” would all be far more effective than continuing to beat the drum that says, “I have all the answers”.
Situation 4
You become aware of an injustice.
What Happened: Mitch took a story that he heard from someone else, and he mentioned it one day at lunch, got a group of people around him sufficiently worked up that then he put it online and started commenting about it. He responded to every comment and continued commenting with his language becoming bolder and increasingly indignant.
Possible Downfalls:
- It is possible in this situation that Mitch didn’t have all the facts, and while he was inciting others to be righteously indignant about the situation, he was tapping into indignance over a problem that didn't exist. Or perhaps he was attacking, in his limited view, only one side of the story and missing the whole view.
- It is also likely that as his language became bolder and more incensed, that he alienated friends or colleagues who felt that the conversation had already escalated to a point of being uncomfortable.
A Better Way: Before posting anything online, it’s best to make sure that your facts are from reputable sources, and that you have taken time to learn the whole story. Before sharing that gossip, that social media post, that story, or that event that might strike a negative emotion in others, it’s best to stop for a moment and make sure it’s true and verified by reliable sources. Once you have confirmed the information was true, then the next step is to find ways to be productive in your sharing of it. Not inflammatory in discussion, but thoughtful, respectful, and solution-oriented to move forward.
So, there you have it, four situations, any of which any of us might run into on any given day, and some ways to make the outcome of speaking up even better. What do you think? What other ideas would you offer?
