Stop Dreading Difficult Conversations

We know not all communication is fun. Sometimes it's tough because of the person or the medium, but sometimes it's the conversation itself. How do you handle difficult conversations? Do you plan for them or procrastinate? Feedback and tough conversations are important, but it's never fun to give or receive negative feedback. Here are a few things to keep in mind when you're preparing for a difficult conversation, adapted from Harvard Business Review's Management Tip.

1) It's not about you

If you're upset, frustrated, peeved, or any other number of negative emotions, recognize that that particular emotion, while valid and true from where you're sitting, is not productive. Even if you're delivering a critique or broaching a touchy subject, find something positive to say about the other person's performance or attitude. Don't gush or sugarcoat things, but a simple "I appreciate the way you __________" or "Thank you for ______" can go a long way toward easing the tension and making both of you feel more comfortable. Your goal isn't to put the other person down, but to help correct unproductive or progress-preventing behavior so your team and organization (or household) can move forward. No ranting, please.

2) Put yourself in their shoes

How would you feel if you were on the other side? Try to see where they're coming from, and what they're motives were for doing something that you didn't necessarily agree with. It's easy to believe "I'm 100% right, you're 100% wrong," but that's not always productive or true--in fact, it's usually the opposite. Look at the situation from multiple angles, hear the other person out, and discuss a better solution. Ask how you can help for next time; let the other person know you're available as a resource for them. You're on their team, and you ultimately want them to succeed.

3) Go in with an open mind

Don't make assumptions about the situation or the other person. It's important that you get the whole story from their perspective. Remember that you're in a conversation, not a lecture. Also keep in mind that you're talking to another person with feelings and equal investment in the outcome of this conversation. Your attitude and how you approach the conversation directly impact its outcome.

4) Pack appropriately

We have three things we like to bring to every conversation, especially difficult ones:

a) Candor: Be honest and sincere.

b) Common Purpose: You're on the same side. It doesn't do anyone any good to derail the conversation or let it become inappropriate, toxic, or aggressive. There's not one winner and one loser--you either fail or succeed together.

c) Unconditional Positive Regard: Make it clear to that person that you value them as an individual, you believe in them, and that you're there with and for them.

Difficult conversations are no fun for anyone involved, but they are essential to make things even better. Think about a conversation you’ve been avoiding (either at work or at home). How will you use these tips to make approaching that conversation a little better?