I’ve witnessed some examples of uncivil discourse recently that have compelled me to do some deep thinking about the kinds of conversations we’re having. It may be the months of social distancing that have caused us to forget how to be kind. It may be the extended duration of stress and fear that has caused us to pay more attention to our own concerns than to look out for our neighbors. It may be that tough stuff has surfaced and some of us have never had a chance or reason to process things we’re just now becoming aware of. It may be that the processing effort is so taxing that there’s nothing left within ourselves to give to effective discourse. It may be that we are in a place of grief. It may be that I’ve just seen extreme examples and haven’t spent enough time in the hopeful dialogues that are taking place.
Whatever the cause, I’m feeling compelled right now to share two specific instances that I’ve observed recently, and offer positive alternatives to the uncivil discourse to help our conversations become more compassionate and more productive. Perhaps as you read through these scenarios and the alternatives proposed, you’ll find tools you can use to make tough conversations better.
Here are two scenarios with unproductive situations, along with a couple alternatives to turn the conversation into a productive one.
How it manifests itself in the community: Two people post yard signs, each supporting their cause. The causes are different, so they keep putting larger and larger signs out. Just after dusk, one opts to remove the other’s signs, tear them up, and throw them away.
Why it’s not productive – When someone is yelling, they aren’t listening. When we don’t listen, we miss out on truths, chances to grow, chances to learn, and things that may be brighter. When we shut down someone else’s voice, we are guilty of bullying. When we resort to tactics that harm others so that we can be heard, we are eroding the very fabric of what makes human relationships good.
Self Awareness - ask "What am I contributing to this moment?"
Self Management - ask "How can I co-create a better solution?"
Other awareness - ask "Who else is in this moment and what does the world look like from where they’re standing?"
Relationship Management - ask "How can I help us both move forward together productively?"
How it manifests itself in the community: Two friends or family members express opposing viewpoints on their social media posts. Instead of commenting or engaging in conversation face to face, one “unfriends” the other and ghosts the person, cutting them out of conversations, dinners, get-togethers and more.
Why it’s not productive – Differences of opinion do not have to mean destruction of relationships. Yes, there are times when separating oneself from a source of harm is absolutely the right thing to do, but in the instances that I cited here, there was no attempt at building on the foundation of friendship or love that was already present. There was no conversation, no dialog, simply a shut down. Without dialog, we cannot learn from each other.
Self Awareness - ask "What am I contributing to this moment?"
Self Management - ask "How can I co-create a better solution?"
Other awareness - ask "Who else is in this moment and what does the world look like from where they’re standing?"
Relationship Management - ask "How can I help us both move forward together productively?"
Friends, things aren’t going to get better if we can’t get better at the way we communicate with each other. I’ve seen lots of important conversations, conversations that need to be happening right now. Our future depends on these conversations. But if we can’t communicate with compassion, if we can’t learn to listen, how do we expect things to get better? Tap into your emotional intelligence, be a role model for civil discourse. Have those tough conversations. They need to start somewhere, sometime, so why not today, why not with you?