Madeline’s day was off to a perfectly normal start as she made her usual commute to work. Out of nowhere, the road became very uneven and she started hitting pothole after pothole. Then, all of a sudden, POP! That sound can’t be good. Reluctantly, she pulls over, climbs out of her car, and finds that her tire is flat. She heads to the back where her spare should be and, ope! Nothing there! Great. Now she’s alone on the side of the road, with no spare, and she’s running behind.
Have you ever been driving down what seems to be a perfectly good road, when all of a sudden, it turns into a mess of cracks, bumps, and potholes out of nowhere?
Life often throws potholes like this in our way, but hear me when I say that while the disruption might put us in an unpleasant mood, it doesn’t have to ruin our day or set us back permanently. In truth, we’re hit with setbacks all the time, some of which can be harder to recover from, while others, like these pesky potholes, are a little bit easier to see the “live and learn” lesson behind. Whatever setbacks you have faced in the past, you are facing now, or you will face in the future, I hope Madeline’s story can offer you some hope for the setbacks that throw you off your game a little bit, and help you to pick yourself or those around you, back up.
First, sometimes, you have to hit the bump to learn from the bump.
Madeline knew right away that she’d hit a pothole, but there wasn’t much she could do other than ride it out, and view it as a learning opportunity.
The thing about setbacks, is that sometimes we need them. As much as getting stuck in the mud or hitting a pothole stinks in the moment, sometimes those moments are what help us get turned back around and stop us from continuing in the wrong direction.
Now, I’m not encouraging you to purposefully find every possible pothole on your way to work, because that will do more damage than good. But I do believe that things happen for a reason, and if I’m meant to hit that bump in the road, then there’s something to be learned from it! Those bumps have the opportunity to change our perspective, change our focus, or teach us something we didn’t know we needed. It’s only a failure if we don’t learn from it!
Then, assess the damage.
Madeline is back in that initial moment, on the side of the road, examining her flat tire and missing spare – what is she going to do from there? There’s a couple of ways this scenario could go:
Option 1: She could crawl back into her car, take a nap, ignore the problem, and spend the rest of the day there. It seems like an easy solution, but that means she misses work, dinner with her family, and at the end of the day, she’s still on the side of the road, but now it’s dark and she still has no way of getting home.
Option 2: She could kick her tire over and over again, get really worked up, pace around in a fit of rage, and feel grouchy for the rest of the day. When she finally gets help, she’s short with the repair team, has a bad attitude at dinner, and goes to bed unhappy. It might feel good to get upset in the moment, and even temporarily leave her feeling better, but it also leaves a mark on her mood and attitude for the rest of the day.
While you’re allowed to feel both of these ways in a stressful moment, the responses that follow aren’t productive, and they don’t help us move forward when we face setbacks. Instead, what if when Madeline gets out of her car, she takes a deep breath and assesses the damage with a neutral and clear head? What if she takes a moment to feel whatever it is she needs to feel, but then uses what she knows about emotional intelligence to manage herself and her situation?
With a clear mind, Madeline can examine the tire for anything that could have damaged it, check out the road for anything she might have hit, or think back on how she got to this moment in the first place. Maybe she took a different road than normal, maybe she was speeding a little too fast, or maybe there’s road work going on. She can think through when she last checked for her spare and why it might be missing. By slowing down enough to think about the situation, Madeline can come to the conclusion that either there were things she could have done differently to prevent her flat tire, or there were forces outside of her control that caused this setback. There is power in acknowledging where our situation falls and it’s what helps us to overcome, to ask for help, and to get unstuck.
Don’t stay stuck!
When Madeline discovers she doesn’t have a spare, she makes a few calls. First, she calls roadside service and lets them know where she is, what happened, and what she needs. They tell her they’ll be there in fifteen minutes. Next, she calls her boss and tells her that she’s waiting for help with a flat tire, and she won’t be in to work for a couple of hours. Her boss, Kristan, is more than understanding. Finally, Madeline calls her husband Andre and lets him know she’s safe, but waiting for roadside service. He’s already at work, but tells her “You’ve got this! Call me if you need anything.”
While it can be intimidating, a powerful way to get unstuck is to ask for help. Whether that’s calling a spouse or a friend, or calling a repair team or someone who can offer additional help, there are plenty of people both within and outside of our circles that are more than willing to offer a helping hand, an encouraging word, or to send resources our way. No matter how big or small our setbacks are, we don’t have to go through them alone.
When help comes, you can offer your assistance where you can, but let others take over when you can’t. Who knows? Maybe one day you’ll be on the other side offering help to someone in an area you thrive in, and you’ll brighten their day as a result.
Plan for the future.
Roadside service showed up exactly when they said they would, and they were able to repair Madeline’s tire in ten minutes. She’s back in her car and already on the way to work again, but now she has some time to think about her morning.
The moment after a setback is a great chance to reflect and plan for future setbacks. Think about your own pothole situation and how you got into that situation. As you do, you may find one of these things to be true:
- This was a one-time pothole that you never saw coming
- You find yourself hitting potholes like this all the time
Whichever answer is truer for you, it’s beneficial to come to terms with the truth and start planning for how you can better avoid either those one-time setbacks, or those setbacks you can’t seem to avoid hitting, over and over again. Most times, the setbacks we face aren’t because we intentionally choose to run into them, but there are ways we can avoid hitting the same ones again by learning from the ones before.
As we look toward avoiding future setbacks, here are a few things to consider:
Slow down!
Sometimes in the busyness of life, we get going too fast and forget to pay close attention to our surroundings. When this happens, it’s possible that we’ll run into setbacks such as missing a turn or hitting potholes.
Tips for slowing down: If you find yourself needing to slow down more often than not, try leaving places with more time to spare, or block out your day, week, or month, so you know exactly where you need to be, and when you need to be there. Setting alarms and timers if you know you get easily distracted or off-task, or using a planner, are other things you can do to avoid running late and hitting unnecessary setbacks.
Don’t keep driving down the roads that cause you to get stuck.
We don’t often turn in the wrong direction just for the fun of it. Usually it’s an accident, and when potholes present themselves, we sometimes have no choice but to hit them. But other times, we find ourselves continuing down roads we know are being worked on, roads busy with city events, or just roads that are in bad shape. In these cases, it might be helpful to consider a new route that will help us avoid hitting unnecessary setbacks in the first place.
Tips for getting unstuck: Before you leave, check the weather, the town’s schedule of events, and research what you can about your route and what delays may be ongoing.
Have tools and a spare tire handy.
Nothing is worse than being unprepared in a stressful moment. Change can be scary, so why risk being unprepared when you can take steps and make sure you’re ready for whatever setbacks come your way?
Tips for changing a tire: In a worst-case scenario when no one can help you out, it’s best to be prepared. Having a set of tools and a spare tire could prove useful in a stressful moment. It’s also powerful to know how you respond in a stressful or difficult moment, or how those around you respond, so you can best manage those reactions.
Think about those around you.
In a high-stress moment, emotions are high and we’re often only thinking about the situation at hand – our situation. But there are all kinds of people who are impacted by our setbacks, and who want to help and support us (the repair folks, your colleagues, your people at home). It’s important to think about their situation too. Just because I had a tough moment, doesn’t mean I need to drag others down with me.
Tips for thinking about others: Instead of focusing solely on me, we can use self-management and pay attention to the people around us to contribute to greatness. This could look like sharing what we’ve learned about the bumpy road, offering to help someone else next time, or viewing this moment as a funny story to tell later.
Our setbacks don’t have to hold us back. While it can be difficult to see the light at the end of the tunnel when we experience a setback, when we take intentional steps forward, they only set us back temporarily, not forever. And while change can be both temporary or long-lasting, learning how to view change as a process makes setbacks and difficult moments all the easier to come to terms with and deal with as you move forward. Viewing change as a process is even one of the core tenants of the Change Makers Certification Program and if you’re interested in learning more, check out our resource page!
