We all experience conflict. While most of the time we don’t go looking for conflict, it’s unavoidable. In a recent episode of the Even Better Podcast, I had the joy of meeting with Dan Tocchini who’s had a lot of experience with conflict but learned how to excel in his career his life despite it (or maybe because of it!). Dan is an entrepreneur, an author, a trainer, a coach, and has been leading individuals, teams, and organizations for thirty years. He’s interested in long-term results and influencing leaders to success, no matter the difficult conversations it takes to get there.
We often associate conflict with negative feelings and experiences. We think of getting heated or red in the face, losing our temper, or avoiding it altogether. For many of us, when it comes to conflict, we don’t want to take responsibility. Many of us equate “responsibility” with blame, thinking that if I own up to something, then I’m taking all the blame, but Dan suggests that the opposite is true. Taking responsibility in conflict is about standing for the future, it’s about bringing forward the future, so as intimidating as it can be, we shouldn’t run away from conflict.
When it comes to conflict, one of the most common breakdowns happens when we aren’t prepared. Because we don’t know what we want, or we don’t know what’s at stake, many of us tend to avoid difficult conversations, or when we’re in them, we lose track of what we want to say, and think later of what we wish we had said.
If we prepare well, we have a better shot of navigating through conflict better, saving relationships, and getting to better workdays sooner.
Let’s take a look at Dan’s six steps to prepare for conflict and how to apply them.
Think of these steps like a treasure map. One step leads to the next, and when we follow the steps, we’re rewarded! If we know that we’re going to enter into a conversation where conflict is likely to arise, then it’s our responsibility to take steps to help guide us through a successful conversation.
- Get Clear on What the Conflict Is
Dan’s first step for preparing is to get clear on what the conflict is. Ask yourself what the issue is. Why do you think it’s an issue? Why did it become an issue? Who’s involved in the conflict? Write all of these things down so you can visualize and clearly see where you need to go from there. On your map, this step is the giant YOU ARE HERE, which allows you to center yourself, focus, and move forward.
Dan believes that conflict is a great way to do these three things:
- Deepen a relationship
- Forward a commitment
- Improve self confidence
The clearer we get, the more confident we’ll be about ways to move forward, find solutions, and work together. We’re likely to see new ways to approach the conflict, and we are more willing to try the other side of things.
- Come Up with an Example of Where You See the Conflict
The second step is to come up with an example of where you see the conflict, something that demonstrates the conflict. If you’ve defined your conflict as you and a particular co-worker regularly getting frustrated when working on projects together, then think of an example of when this happened and be specific! Where were you? What were you working on? This conflict is true for you, so speak it that way, but also be prepared to listen like you might be missing something. Then, write all of this down! It will help you to visualize and give you something physical to come back to as you continue to redefine the conflict.
In this step, I’m reminded of an orchestra where everyone has a part to play. But, if even one person is off or out of tune, it can throw an entire piece off. When it comes to reflecting on conflict, think of yourself as a part of an orchestra. Listen to yourself. Tune into your feelings and emotions and reactions. Take note of how you feel and why you feel that way. As you tune yourself, listen to the instruments around you, so everyone is in tune together. Listen to your own thoughts to make sure you’re remembering the situations correctly, and come to a clear understanding of what you really believe the conflict to be – and write it down.
- Describe The Experience
Once you understand the conflict, then capture what you believe your own experience to be during those moments of conflict. How do you feel? How do you respond? How do you react? What does the conflict make you do? What happens in the moment, when tensions start to rise, when you’re feeling unheard or want to shut down, or when what you’re saying just isn’t getting across? As part of your preparation, take the time to write down the feelings you have so that you can help them understand in a kind way. Being transparent and honest opens the conversation up to be safe and lets us focus on hearing each other.
- Take Responsibility
While this step can be a challenge, without it, we get stuck. Taking responsibility doesn’t mean only faulting yourself, because this isn’t about pushing blame either way. It doesn’t mean carrying the entire conflict as your own, because that’s simply not true. But we can own our actions, what we contributed to the problem, where we didn’t speak up, or where we didn’t listen like we should have. This is a peace offering. It’s the act of extending your hand to say, “I’ve considered the impact my actions have had on you, and I’d like to move forward together.” You’ll find that when you offer your hand, the other person is more likely to relax, look into what they have contributed, and take your hand. As a result, you’ll both be more grounded with less weight on your shoulders, as you head into a good-natured conversation.
- Recognize “The Parade of Horribles”
The “parade of horribles” is what Dan views as all of the “what if’s”. If we continue in our conflict, these are the things that might happen. These are the things at stake. This is the price we are likely to pay if we continue to avoid the problem. Since we probably don’t want to pay that price, making the list of those horrible consequences helps us be prepared to communicate all those negative outcomes. Sometimes we think the problem will just go away without having the much-needed conversation, but this is rarely the case. Laying out the “parade of horribles” acts as motivation to have that conversation. It’s much better to deal with the conflict in the moment and experience short-term pain for long-term gain.
A great way to start is to ask “what do you think happens if we don’t talk about this?” Then answer the question for yourself. This sets the stage for a conversation that’s “us” focused. The more human we are with the other person, the more room we have to hear them.
- Name What You’re Committed to No Matter What
Dan’s final step is to determine some kind of proposal, a plan, or a specific outline of what should be done differently moving forward. This involves you being willing to say, “I’m committed to this, and here’s what I plan to do”. Ideally, you make a commitment to what you’re willing to do and you establish the boundaries you’re willing to uphold. You also specify what you need from the other person and frame up what you’re going to ask of them. You’ll want to leave room for them to contribute their ideas and thoughts, of course, but by going into the conversation with this proposal already planned out, you come prepared to say exactly what it is that you need to say, even if things get off track.
Sometimes, conflict-rich conversations like this have the potential to go off the rails. If the other person goes on a tangent, it may mean that there’s something they want you to hear, so having a plan already figured out allows you to open yourself up to listen and learn. Honor what the other person has to say, because if they don’t feel heard, they aren’t going to be interested in much of what you have to say either. Especially during conflict, it’s so easy to mistake what I’m making up in my head, with what you actually said, so it’s important to lean in and really hear the other person. By using a planning tool like Dan Tocchini’s 6-steps, you can take time before having a conflict conversation to prepare your thoughts so you already know what is important to you, which will free you up to listen to the other person more fully. Then, you can come back to what’s important to you.
Sometimes conflict winds up not being conflict at all – sometimes it’s just that we don’t understand each other, or that we have a communication mismatch. Not knowing how to handle those can make us frustrated. We complain because we don’t know how to get what we want or even what it is we want. But this doesn’t have to be the case!
Dan has a saying that may be familiar to you – all business problems are people problems. We spend so much time trying to get people to do things, that we forget to understand where they’re coming from. We think someone is doing one thing, but in truth, something entirely different is going on. These problems will continue to show up, unless we actually get inside people’s heads, and bring conflicts to light in a positive way. Not by attacking, but with a desire to learn what’s wanted and needed.
It’s our responsibility, our homework to do beforehand when we know there’s potential for conflict. If you’re looking for a place to start, just start writing and talking to help get clear. Consider journaling or writing out examples of the conflict. Ask yourself what you’re missing. Ask those around you what’s missing. Get everything on the table and ask “what can we do with it?”
It takes humility, patience, and lots of not just listening, but hearing to resolve conflict. It takes putting aside our pride and asking questions that can seem scary. It involves two-way communication and trust in the follow-through. But that’s what authentic human connection is all about! When we put in the work to see improvement and see change in our lives and in our relationships, our connections grow. We start to see less of ourselves, and more of us, how we can build each other up and support one another. Authentic human connection is one of the core tenants of our Change Makers Certification Program, so, if you’re interested in learning more, be sure to check it out today!
