“You’re so annoying!” the 8-year old said to his little sister.
“Watch your words, kiddo,” his mom cut in firmly. “Her behavior may in fact annoy you, but that doesn’t mean you’re allowed to label her personality with your feelings. Try again.”
“Your behavior annoys me” he said, fairly snarkily.
Rolling her eyes, almost audibly, the mom of two sighed and said, “well, that’s better, but try again, and this time, watch your tone, too”.
Huh.
Standing in line at the store, I realized I hadn’t thought about it that way. (Or if I had, it definitely wasn’t when I was 8!) Well, sure, tone, and words matter, of course. But that idea that we could wind up labeling someone – defining someone – by the way their personality made us feel. Eeew. How many times have I done that? I’m not sure I want to count.
But now that we know better, we can do better, right?
And if we can identify that the behavior annoys us, can we then acknowledge that there is also good behavior that they do?
I don’t want to be part of “cancel culture”.
I don’t want to be defined by my worst day.
I don’t want others to define me by my most annoying trait.
I don’t want to define others by their most irritating habit.
So what would that look like, practically? Pragmatically? Real life? At work?
Let’s try a couple of examples that have been coming up in our Delighting Your Customer training (one of our customer-favorite customer service training programs which blends effective communication with the customer service mindset and a whole lot of positive interaction and real-life application)…
If we take a handful of common communication styles that can show up, and that can, frankly, wind up annoying -or frustrating – or irritating – or off-putting – others around them, I wonder if we also take a moment to think about the good things those communication styles bring … can we overcome the annoyance with the good?
1) Here’s one that gets picked on a bit. How about that bold, authoritative communicator, whose message is often brief, and sometimes curt. Occasionally known to leave off things like “hello,” or “how are you today,” this communicator talks (or writes) in bullets and hardly ever uses 5 words if 2 will do. Sometimes their vocal intonation can be blunt or terse. And frankly, that can be annoying for some.
But these folks are also often super competitive, they move with purpose at whatever they are doing; they are decisive, they lead the charge, and they take action – even if it means taking a different action after a bit.
Many times, when folks are communicating this way, they’re doing so because they’re in a hurry; because they’ve become aware that time is of the essence; or because they’ve found that there are a million things to be done – seemingly all at once! And they’ve figured out that if they do more and say less, they can get stuff done! Pause for a sec’ and think about how much these folks really get done. It’s kind of amazing, really.
And so in those moments when maybe the fact that they interrupted your preamble before you were done, or they forgot the friendly greeting at the top of an email, or they gave the bullet-point version of the story and left out details you would have enjoyed learning…instead of letting the things that annoy you about them overshadow the value they bring to the table (the fact that they really do get stuff done, and they make those tough decisions no one else is willing to make), let’s let the value outweigh the annoyance.
2) At the opposite end of the scale is the gregarious, optimistic storyteller who motivates and inspires; the one who laughs spontaneously, tells stories that engage and enthrall, and help us understand difficult concepts; the one that lifts people up when spirits are down. They are the life of the party, and they are a joy to have around!
Sometimes, though, those stories…man, those stories can go on! And sometimes, while we can look around at all the relationships they are building, finding the list of tasks they completed is trickier! Getting them to sit down and complete that expense report, or fill out that form is like pulling teeth, and where did they leave that file this time?
Many times, when folks are communicating this way, it’s because they sense that spirits need lifting, people need to see the bigger picture, or connections need to be made. They build relationships, motivate, and inspire. They have this sense of optimism and hope that they want to share, and it’s practically oozing out of their every word. And they are keenly interested in building a personal connection with the people around them, because they know that personal relationships matter – they’re what make the lasting difference in the end.
So in those moments when you start to be frustrated by someone who is laughing when you want to be more serious, or someone who is making a personal connection and maybe even – goodness gracious – talking about their feelings – when you’d rather talk about data or facts or anything but that; stop for a moment, and don’t be frustrated by their behavior. Instead, let the value of their optimism, their positivity, their joy be what wins the day.
Even if you don’t build relationships the same way or have the same interests they do, let the fact that they care be a lesson to lessen the irritation you’re feeling. They’re part of what makes the world go round, just like you, and they keep focusing on the sun coming up!
3) How about the steady-Eddies? The ones who seem like stable, patient listeners who follow processes and support good leaders. Those seem un-pick-on-able! Nothing annoying there! Phew!
Except if you’re frustrated because what you really wanted them to do is to drive the bus. They wanted to follow, and you wanted them to lead. There was change afoot, and instead of them pulling, you find yourself pushing rope. Up a hill.
Again you’ve got an option here. You could choose to focus on the behavior that is annoying. You could choose to focus on what annoys you or frustrates you, and every time you got together, you could find a reason to nitpick about how they didn’t drive or didn’t pull quite the way you wanted them to.
Or, you could choose to let the value outweigh the annoyance. You could choose to celebrate the fact that their ability to follow good processes and support good leaders makes them ideal for executing on a great vision that’s been clearly communicated. You could choose to celebrate the fact that when they aren’t picking up and running with something, it may be a good indicator that you’ve got a lack of clarity in your messaging that needs to be fixed!
4) How about one last one? Ever worked with those folks with All. The. Questions.? The ones who have to make everything Just. So. Before moving on? You know some of them. This is the precise, meticulous, expert, who follows rules and thrives in details. Give them a spreadsheet and they can entertain themselves for hours. Ask them a question, and they’ll consider all data thoroughly…did I say thoroughly…before making any kind of decision. Possibly before deciding to decide. Now these folks can frustrate some because they’re often pointing out the risks and the concerns; they ask question after question after question. They review the data for hours – days – weeks to get it right. And that can absolutely slow things down.
But what if…what if you considered the thought that many of them do that because they’ve been burned before. They ask a lot of questions because they’ve seen what happens when you don’t. They review the data from all the angles because they have the expertise to see things the rest of the world doesn’t see. They follow the rules to keep us safe.
Instead of being frustrated that this is slowing us down, what if we thought about how grateful we are to be safe? Instead of being bothered by one more question, what if we were relieved that they were here asking the great questions, because those questions help keep us out of trouble and keep the data clean? What if we let the value of accuracy, precision, and clarity outweigh the irritation we might feel in the moment?
Looking back at the inspiration we can draw from the sibling spat in the store line and their very wise mom (shout to you in check out lane 3 – you’re doing awesome!), let’s draw three takeaways:
- Watch your tone – there’s no need for snark. Kindness will do just fine!
- Watch your words – don’t call someone “annoying” – if their behavior annoys you – then describe that, don’t assign your feelings to someone else’s personality.
- Find the value – if you find yourself becoming annoyed by someone else’s behavior – see what value they bring to the table, and don’t let their value be outweighed by your annoyance. Let’s value one another for the good we each bring!
